free 2 be marlo

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Posted by Evil Schmoo @ 7:21 p.m. ET

So I just got back from laying a Ginormous, and I decided to kill off the rest of the $.000000001 that your taxes provided for me to sit around scratching my ass today, and lo and behold, I came across The Huff.

Now, let The Schmoo state for the record: he was whacking off to Arianna Huffington back when she was still telling Michael, "Not tonite, dahlingk, I'm ragging like Niagara." Arianna is, butt simple, HOT. She's got that accent, and she's rich, and she takes it in the Heavenly Hamper. (Or so the Germans would have you believe). There is literally nothing, NOTAGODDAMNTHING, more that The Schmoo needs from his womenfolk. It's the three F's: Foreign, Financial, and likes to assFuck.

And while her Tree of Life may have a few extra rings around it, that is all the more reason for her to be the target of The Schmoo's gruntations. (Sadly, Merriam-Webster refused The Schmoo's entry into the neologism contest.)

But whither the Arianna of the SchmooYouth? That biting conservative wit? That brassy, Orange County fire-and-brimstone hatred for all things left-of-center? That enticing, pre-Coulter allure of The Forbidden? The whole point was that she was Lilith to my Adam, Delilah to my Samson, Salome to my Baptist, Heloise to my Abelard. She was my temptress, my Jezebel, my secret MILF, the source of my greatest pleasures and my greater shame.

Then it turns out -- whoa! Hold on. She's a freakin' liberal now? Talk about a woodkill. What happened, Arianna? You used to be cool, man.

Now, this in and of itself is very old news -- Arianna's been riding the Bone Coaster for quite some time now, and by "riding the Bone Coaster", I mean "espousing decidedly leftist viewpoints". She's also been a fairly active blogger, characterizing herself quite accurately as one of the first mainstream journalists, and by "mainstream journalists", I mean "politically connected media celebrities", to blog on a regular basis. I think Andrew Sullivan probably came first, and there's all the Freepers and the NRO crowd, but Arianna has a legit claim to being one of the Early Adopters of the PolitiBlog.

So some of you may have seen/heard about her latest blogventure (that's one word, 'cause it's, uh, like, y'know, an adventure?!? Duuuuuuh.), in which she has invited a vast consortium of well-and-not-so-known ... let's just call 'em "personalities" to be safe ... to blog on whatever they please. The Schmoo is all for dumbass Hollywood celebrities exposing their ignorance, or vapidity, or inanity, or sentience, or brilliance on any freaking topic they want. Apparently, the rest of the world is not so charitable. Yet lest The Schmoo remind you, surely we all can recall Members of Congress staring dumbfounded at the committee testimonies of Pearl Jam on Ticketmaster, Frank Zappa/Dee Snider/John Denver on free speech, and of course, Jeff "Skunk" Baxter on nuclear terrorism.

No, seriously. He's considered one of the world's experts on it. He's currently an advisor to DOD for the Ballistic Missile Defense Organization. I saw him testify myself. He's on the lecture circuit as we speak.

Whoa-ho, China Grove.

But then I came across this.

Whoa. Wait a sec.

Jim Lampley is a Democrat? More specifically, Jim Lampley gives a rat's ass about something other than sanitized televised consumerist microcosms of war played by professional athletes for our viewing pleasure and advertising dollars?

The Schmoo does not want to hear Jim Lampley's thoughts on the President, or the Democrats, or that he's even aware that there is such a thing as a "Capitol". The Schmoo wants to hear Jim Lampley extolling the praises of Marco Antonio Barrera, Winky Wright, Bernard Hopkins, Kostya Tszyu, and of course, Diego "I'm a Warrior" Corrales (GodDAMN that fight was insane. Seriously, best fucking bout I've seen in easily a decade, quite possibly in my life. And The Schmoo knows his boxing.). Lampley has become The Voice of Boxing, specifically big-time HBO pay-per-view fights. And his earnest, whiny nasality actually fits very well with the harsh, cigar-and-whiskey Brooklynites that still dominate boxing electrojournalism.

But Jim, baby, you're just not cut out to tell the Schmoo how much of his income he's entitled to keep, or how many of his baby mommas' abortions he should make the state pay for. Leave that to the big boys, and you keep doing what you do best. You are delicious in your fervor, but make your passionate entreaties about the visceral beauty of two men pounding the living shit out of each other, not the moral beauty of two men pounding each other's shit.

(Unless it's Oscar de la Hoya.)

God Bless America.

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