Rectal Rockets in Flight, Afternoon Delight ...

So today I launched a crap missile, the mere threat of which should serve as a permanent nuclear deterence. Vladimir Putin himself cringes in fear of the ass bomb I dropped today. It looked like a goddamn moray eel was sucking on my butthole.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I thought I would denote its passing here. But then, it occurred to me, that I have run out of the appropriate metaphors for such a brutal shit.

So I hereby open the sluices at both ends for yet another Marlo Poll. Please contribute your best descriptive honorific or catchphrase to celebrate those rare moments of anal exaltation, the ones which make you want to grab the nearest megaphone and shout, "THAT JUST CAME OUT OF MY ASS -- AND IT FEELS A-MAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!!!!!!"

Please note that "Logzilla" has been so overused as to be considered unacceptable. The Evil Schmoo shall start you off:

Dookie Kong.
Turd of the Lord.
The Brown Mound of Rebound. (Apologies to Charles Barkley, and applies only to splashers.)
The Funky Funky Hippo.
Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. (Apologies to Calvin and Hobbes.)
Loaf of Destiny.

Not the best, I know, but that's why I opened it up -- my creative, ahem, juices have run dry. And never let it be said that the Schmoo does not covet his turds and the public celebration thereof.

Please, won't you find it in your hearts to help?

-30-

Replies: 19 comments

Presumably that would be cloacal cloture?

Posted by @ 05/11/05 1:29 a.m. ET

Evil Pile of Schmoo

Posted by @ 05/11/05 2:11 a.m. ET

Schmoo Doo

Posted by @ 05/11/05 7:34 a.m. ET

How about "The One that Got Away"? Meh.

Posted by @ 05/11/05 9:09 a.m. ET

Filibuster -- as in that thing filibustered for hours despite my attempts to invoke cloture.

Posted by @ 05/11/05 10:42 a.m. ET

Bill Bailey, you've come home.

Posted by @ 05/13/05 7:20 a.m. ET

I spent about 4 or 5 months in various teen chatrooms (I consider it sociological research, never mind what my therapist says) using the nickname HoT^GiRl^WiF^DiArRhEa. I had an appropriately hot picture, but when I chatted with salivating 16 year old guys, I spent 75% of the time talking about my severe gastrointestinal distress, gut-wrenching stomach cramps, or explosive diarrhea that was expelled with such force that it splashed the bottom of the seat. It was fascinating to see how much guys could take before this hot and horny girl just wasn't worth it anymore. Usually around the time that I described the pungent rivulets that burned my sensitive anal tissue. Also I left the guys on hold a lot.

Posted by @ 05/13/05 10:28 a.m. ET

I actually have quite a few good stories relating to the fecal arts, but I left them off my blog because I think my mom and dad read it. Definitely my dad. But, when you get around to urine, I have a good story about trying to empty a cup of urine while doing 80 on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Posted by @ 05/14/05 12:10 a.m. ET

The wind blew it all back in my face, and then some. Doused with the hot urine of shame, I was also fortunate enough to take a few decent chunks of hail off the ol' noggin. Luckily I was able to clean my face with Armor All wipes I found in the back seat.

Posted by @ 05/14/05 2:45 a.m. ET

My favorite on-the-road story is the time my better half vommitted out the passenger-side window on the Washington Beltway and into the window of her best friend in the seat behind her -- and right into her friend's mouth promting sympathy vommit. It was a long night at the car wash for me.

Posted by @ 05/14/05 11:47 a.m. ET

So, did they talk funny?

Posted by @ 05/15/05 2:10 a.m. ET

At the risk of sounding like a Northern elitist liberal college-educated Jewboy, it was a sad, forgettable place.

Posted by @ 05/15/05 2:32 a.m. ET

Well, to be fair, they may not be well-educated but they also probably don't shower in in chocolate urine while driving.

Posted by @ 05/15/05 7:57 a.m. ET

Hey, that was a one-time youthful indiscretion. My bodily fluids land in the appropriate receptacles at least 80% of the time.

Posted by @ 05/15/05 10:51 a.m. ET

That sounds like something a Northern elitist liberal college-educated Jewboy would say.

Posted by @ 05/16/05 7:32 a.m. ET

Holy shit, I got a Marlo banner! I'm so proud. I may or may not be touching myself.

Posted by @ 05/16/05 9:54 a.m. ET

Ginormous

Posted by @ 05/17/05 1:29 a.m. ET

Whoa! I got a Marlo banner, too: "Not for Tender Tummies." I'm honored!

Posted by @ 05/17/05 5:44 a.m. ET

Wait. Are you touching yourself?

Posted by @ 05/17/05 9:03 a.m. ET