A Jane Addiction
So I met Jane in the Fall 16 years ago.
Christmas 15 years ago, we had gotten quite close wed made plans for me to visit her and her parents after the holidays, but after Christmas, she told me she was back with her ex.
Christmas 14 years ago, despite the goings-on of the previous holiday season, wed become quite closer still and as the end of the semester approached, even my ever-skeptical ego was beginning to think that this long flirtation was going to move forward to something new.
Circumstance intervened though. What initially seemed like a casual encounter with a student from another school with similar interests rapidly turned into something much more than casual and by the time I encountered Jane after the holidays on campus, I was walking my future wife to her first class at my school where she was now a visiting student.
Jane handled it quite well, but in the Fall 13 years ago, she confided to me that she had written a letter not long after that encounter, asking me to leave my new relationship in favor of her. The letter was obviously never delivered, and honestly, I really dont know how I would have responded. Knowing myself, I likely would have chosen the path of least resistance (the status quo), and made an already awkward relationship with Jane even more uncomfortable or possibly ended it completely. As it was, though, we stayed relatively close. I try to keep in touch with her every two or three years Ill call, chat for a while well talk about who we know and what were doing in our lives and such, promise to keep in better contact and then sign off for another couple years.
And so its Christmas this year, Im sitting in traffic going nowhere one night and decide to give Jane a call. Despite the fact that Ive gone through two or three phones since last we talked, it turns out I still have her number on my cell. Interesting timing -- it seems she may be getting engaged in the very near future. We chat for a while I tell her I hope shes happy and that I hope this guy is good enough for her, etc also, the usual chit-chat, we'll keep in touch, talk to you soon, bye.
Anyway its occurred to me since -- way too late for polite society -- that she completely put herself out on the line, opened herself up to me by telling me about that note, and through all of my thought about what might have been, Ive never done the same for her, and Im apparently sneaking up on my last chance to do it without risking the aggravating of a husband/fiancé.
So, here goes: I like to think I live my life without regrets -- at least major regrets -- but there are always events in your life that you wonder about
the what if moments
the Its a Wonderful Life or Sliding Doors moments. The thing is, theres one particular what if moment that I think about a lot
its my Jane- what if. Its a Sunday night, Stephen Kings It is on TV and Jane and I are hanging out. Nothing special, just hanging out, but as I mentioned before, we were en route to a relationship (or so we both believed). Anyway, a friend of ours comes over to use Janes washing machine and I take that as my cue to leave -- its November, its cold, and Im on my motorcycle. Jane walks me out; I climb on my bike; she steps closer; I put on my helmet. Thats it. That was the moment. Maybe I should have mentioned it earlier, but throughout our long flirtation, we never kissed. It was an emotionally tantric sort of affair
it was all the build-up to a relationship but the relationship was always just out of reach. I suppose thats why I can never get that moment out of my mind
it was the perfect kiss left unspoiled by reality. A kiss but for a helmet, maybe a different path but for a helmet.
Its not a regret, its just a what if. And Jane, if I have summoned the nerve to send you this link, that is my confession. I wish you the best and I hope you are as happy with your choices as I am with mine.
Let's keep in touch.
Replies: 2 comments
You are for me the same and more: rare friendship, a cherished history--and those same questions. Seldom have I felt such serendipity in my life as during those years. That I ended up in that time, in that place at that school with those people--that was fate. I know it absolutely. Beyond that, all I know is this: had it not been for the turn in the road that brought us ultimately here and there, then I would be without these sweet, piercing moments--connecting with my past and hearing the words "don't settle" from someone I trust. I may not have found a husband yet, but I haven't found any more friends like that either. Thank you for keeping that connection alive. There is power in these moments that stretch across time and across miles, and I wouldn't trade them.
Posted by @ 01/13/05 2:22 a.m. ET
After talking to you, "Jane" probably did the same kind of thinking. If she reads your post here, she'll do it again. You may not talk to her again for another couple of years, but when you do there will be an ease between you that might not have been there before at any point. Your accounts are settled, so to speak, and any "what-ifs" can now be considered and shared with a wink instead of a wince.
Posted by @ 12/28/04 10:21 a.m. ET